http://www.torontosun.com/2015/11/05/can-taking-a-break-from-sex-save-your-relationship
Could you go for 90 days without having sex with your partner?
Brooklyn Nine-Nine star and Old Spice man, Terry Crews, raised our collective eyebrows when he revealed that he and his wife of 25 years, Rebecca King-Crews, recently underwent a three month “sex fast” to strengthen their marriage.
The words “cleanse” and “fast” have become incredibly trendy in recent years, bringing about images of long days spent depriving ourselves in search of elusive, (potentially dubious) benefits. Spend five days only drinking green juice? I think I’ll pass. But, when Crews describes his sexual “diet,” it actually sounds, well, quite romantic.
"90 days, no sex — all relationship, all talk, all cuddle," Crews told HuffPostLive. He says the “sex fast” helped him feel even more emotionally connected to his wife and did wonders for their romance.
“I found that at the end of the 90 days I was more in love, more turned on. I knew who she was!"
If the Old Spice Man says a sex fast is the way to go, we can’t help but listen. However, is this technique really something you should try at home?
Dr. Anne Ridley is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist and intimacy expert, known for her witty and practical relationship advice that she shares regularly on Twitter says, “I have prescribed a “penetration vacation” to couples who are experiencing specific issues in their intimate connection, whether emotional, sexual or both.” However, she’s careful not to label this exercise as “no sex” or a “fast” because it implies you are taking something away from the relationship. Ridley prefers the term “vacation.” As she explains, “vacation” from only part of the sexual act seems to imply that there will be a rest, relaxation, relief of expectation and something added to nurture the relationship.”
Still skeptical?
Dr. Jess (O’Reilly), a Toronto-based sexologist and author of the recently released book The New Sex Bible, says that the concept of taking a vacation from sex is actually rooted in psychology. “When the brain lacks stimuli (as in the case of sensory deprivation, for example), it looks for new stimuli; though a sex hiatus isn’t sensory deprivation per se, it is common for couples to discover new methods of connection and traits of attraction when they take sex off the table,” she explains. As Dr. Jess points out, “deprivation can help to build desire and increase the intensity of physical and psychological response once you delve back into sexual activity at the end of the sex fast.”
Ridley agrees that a sex vacation or “hiatus” provides a space for couples to slow things down and discover new ways to connect. “Remember being young and enthusiastic about having that first kiss, seeing each other’s nakedness for the first time and getting to each “base”? asks Ridley. “There are a thousand delicious sexual things a couple explore and discover outside of penetration with sexual organs.” Ridley says a sex vacation or hiatus helps bring newness and excitement to the relationship.
“Often couples report that their attraction for each other increases as they have to become creative and intentional with their sex life,” she says.
Intention. That’s what it all comes down to. As Dr. Jess is careful to highlight, “There is a remarkable difference between a sex fast that is purposeful and one that is accidental/incidental (e.g. a sexless relationship); the former is intentional and the latter is likely undesired.”
Both Ridley and Dr. Jess agree that one of the key (and often surprising) benefits of an intentional sex hiatus is that it forces couples to open the lines of communication. When you take a break from sex, Dr. Jess says, “partners are forced/encouraged to find new ways to express affection, desire and appreciation.”
Tips to increase intimacy in a long-term relationship
1. Schedule relationship check-ins (not evaluations) every month
Dr. Jess suggests couples, “take 10 minutes to talk about what/how you’re feeling and how you think the relationship is going. Three questions to get you started: What do you appreciate about your partner? Are you spending enough time together? Are you having enough sex?”
2. Take 60 seconds per day to perform a small favour for your partner
“If you run out of time before the end of the day, a one-minute hand massage will offer them a reminder that they’re important to you despite your busy schedules,” says Dr. Jess.
3. Say “thank you” for all the little things
Dr. Jess says it’s all about showing gratitude. “If your partner makes/orders dinner, picks up coffee, makes the bed, decants the wine, calls/texts to say “hello”, kisses you good morning - show gratitude. Research shows that gratitude is key to a lasting relationship and to enduring the more challenging times,” she says.
4. Talk about sex
Lastly, Dr. Jess urges couples to have the talk. “The more uncomfortable the conversation, the more intimacy it breeds. Pushing beyond your comfort zone ignites chemical reactions that promote attraction and excitement,” she says.